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• Heist/Monkey • | by Dane Cook
I was with this girl recently and she said "all guys want is sex" and I said "ok finish blowing me and we are gonna talk about this...later"... that's a lie...i said it because it was funny. but she really said that she said "all guys want is sex" and I said to her "nay... there are other things guys want more than sex. we're just a little embarrassed to admit them but I'm putting it out in the universe so you can respect us for who we are as men" for example any guy here more than sex if they had the choice of sex or this one other thing any guy here would rather be part of a heist! you know when you watch the movie "Heat" your like "i wanna do that!" you just wanna be running down mainstreet with an AK-47...pffffpffffpffff WHERE'S THE VAN! pffffpffff THE VAN WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!pffffff. we want that guy who's on a computer and is like "give me a minute I just need one more minute dude I need one more minute to hack into the mainframe. I'm in frenster they re-routed me into frenster I need a minute...WHERE'S THE FUCKING VAN!pfffff. theres always that guy on the team too he was a last minute replacement hes not one of the original gang but one of the guys vouches for him "no no dude trust me this guys cool, hes solid and hes cool" but hes not cool is he? he doesn't really say anything ever right he just stands there and looks cool, and at one point he might be like "let's kill these bitches"...i wanna be part of a heist and I wanna get shot here in the back of my leg... pow "OW shit!" it stings but it still makes me feel kinda cool I keep looking at the blood going no no no no...bleeding from the leg WHERES THE VAN!

We wanna be part of the heist and than there's something else that we want even more than the heist even more than sex any guy here would love to have a monkey, a pet monkey than people get mad and you'll be like i'd love to have a monkey and theres always that one anti-monkey person in the area. they over hear you "excuse me I heard you saying you'd like to have a monkey and thats a horrible idea you do not want a monkey you do not want a monkey" there a monkey expert and they start listing all the reasons YOU can't have a monkey " let me tell you a few things can I just have a minute can I have a minute can I just explain a few things about monkeys that maybe you don't know before you jump to your conclusion? ok it's more than just bananas and dancing with tooth brushes first of all they crap in there own hands and they throw it around in a festive manner like there at a celebration of monkey poop and they make faces that are unacceptable in society..." I hear these things and I'm like thats why I want a monkey all those reasons I don't want a nice quiet monkey I want an evil monkey that I can dress in armor give him a sword have fights with him inside my place...how pumped would you be driving home from work know that someplace in your house theres a monkey your gonna battle! thats awesome! you walk in.. ahhh...monkey? you here?...ahhhh...where are you?...im in your closet!...holy shit you just talked!...i taught myself to talk!...this is incredibly odd! I know lets fight!...ok...this would be the ultimate what if after the heist you jump in the van and the monkey is driving the van.. "GET IN! WE GOTTA GO! WE GOTTA GO! WE GOTTA GO!..........makes me sad cuz I know it'll never happen...
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