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• Superpowers • | by Dane Cook
I wish I had some superpowers. I was thinking about that the other day.
Maybe quit comedy, fight some crime. Everybody wants to fly. That's the
number one power. If I could grant you a power, "Dane, I'd love to fly."
Yeah? Who the fuck doesn't. Who doesn't want to leave the show tonight
and be like, "Alright I'll catch you guys later." (Shwwooosh) and zip up into
the skies. "I can show you the world. Shining, shimmering splendor."

I'd love to shoot a laser out of my cock. And when I'm empty my balls glow.
Low fuel. Balls are empty.

You know what I'd like to be able to do more than anything else? I'd love to
be able to shoot spaghetti out of my fingertips. (Pppthhh) 'Cause no one
wants to be covered in spaghetti. No. If I'm on a date with a girl and she's
very rude I'll be like, you know what? (PPpptthhh) Enjoy your spaghetti
you're very rude. Enjoy your spaghetti, 'cause you're rude. (Pppttthh)

These are all dreams. These are all things we want to have.
(To man in audience) If I could grant you a power, any power, what would
you want? Anything right now? "Dah, Jesus." You want to be Jesus? God
you're such an egotistical prick. He thinks he's Jesus. Ah, Jesus. I'd love to
cover him with spaghetti right now. (Ppppttthh) Enjoy your spaghetti,
you're very egotistical.

Ahhh, Christ. pause (to man in audience) Not you.
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