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• The Friend Nobody Likes • | by Dane Cook
So I'm hangin' out with all of my buddies, and uh, I realize something,
I realize something. Think of the group of people you've known
the longest in your life. Think of the group of friends you've hung out
with the most, maybe you're all here tonight.
And this is what I realized, I had an epiphany, and here it is, right here:
There is one person, in every group of friends, that nobody fucking likes.
You basically keep them there, to hate their guts.
When that person is not around the rest of your little base camp,
your hobby, is cutting that person down.

Example: "Karen, is always a douchebag."

Every group has a Karen and she is always a bag of douche.
And when she's not around, you just look at each other and say,
"God, Karen, she's such a douchebag!".
Until she walks up, then you're like,

"Hey, what's up Kar-? Kar-. What's up Kar-?"

There's always that one person - and I'm lookin' out and some of guys
are like "Umm, I disagree."
Well you're the person - You're the person nobody likes.

(Person from audience mumbles) "That's so true."

I know, it is so true, and that's why it's funny.
It is so true, that's why it's funny, because, it's so true, hence, funny.
Your whole life that person has been there.
That's how Brian is in our group. Nobody likes Brian.
Yet everywhere we go, Brian would show up,
even if we didn't tell him where we were going.
We would go someplace and he would do that I Just Found You run.
"H-h-h-h-hi guys. What's up guys?"
And one of us would always see him and warn the rest of the group.
We'd be like,

"Fucking Brian is coming."
"What?"
(whispered) "Fucking Brian is coming."

That's his name, Fucking Brian Is Coming.
I heard a rumor, when he was born, even the doctor said,
"Fucking Brian is coming. Let's get this demon seed out of here."
That's what I'm saying - quote, unquote.
And you can quote me on the quote, unquote.
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